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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29519664">Must Stop</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenstrange/pseuds/ravenstrange'>ravenstrange</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruruie/pseuds/ruruie'>ruruie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Little R &amp; R [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Delamain telling them to grow up, F/M, Fist Fights, Fools, Hate Sex, IT'S DELICIOUS, Idiots in Love, Johnny sweeping his holo under the vending machine like ice from the freezer, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Miscommunication, Slapping, The lot, and it leads to some shit going down, just know Johnny and V fight, they just can't talk to each other</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:42:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,369</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29519664</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenstrange/pseuds/ravenstrange, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruruie/pseuds/ruruie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Communication had been flawless before - instant and entirely understood. Nothing ambiguous between them, minus Johnny's claims of an impressive cock. Facing the other now, separate bodies and minds, it was harder to get the words out. They never needed to prior to this moment, looking at the other from across the table at Tom's Diner. And they both miss the mark. Over and over again."</p><p>Based on the Song "Must Stop" by ONR ft. Sarah Barthel</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Johnny Silverhand/Female V, Johnny Silverhand/V</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Little R &amp; R [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168625</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>110</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>168</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beammeupbroadway/gifts">Beammeupbroadway</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Collaboration piece done by ruruie and ravenstrange! Enjoy the fun! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fry popped into his mouth, and Johnny thought he could never get over the feeling again. After not being able to for so long, he was almost amazed that he was finally able to taste something other than delayed microwave burritos or what Vik fed him in the clinic when he was adjusting to life on the surface. Tom’s Diner was the perfect way to scratch the itch for some greasy food that made him feel a little sick after, but was oh so worth it. Lazy actions as they always were, Johnny had to restrain himself from grabbing a handful of fries, shoving them in his mouth until he couldn’t fit anymore. But, he wasn’t exactly alone, and hadn’t been for what felt like his whole life now. And V would certainly judge him for how he ate.</p><p>Shit, she was doing it now.</p><p>“First meal as a free man and you pick diner food. Can’t say I’m complainin’ much, but somethin’ fancier didn’t suit your tastes?” She was one to talk, slice of pizza shoved in her mouth. It even had mushrooms on it. Fucking nasty.</p><p>“And what tastes would those be? Won’t take me to go get some p --”</p><p>“If you say pussy I’ll shove you back into the Net.” An empty threat, one he chuckled to while popping another fry into his mouth. While they were both held at Vik’s for observation, they were both so touch and go, but now? They were stable.</p><p>For the first time, he looked at her.</p><p>Sure, he saw her in the Net, but she was beet red and made of data. Eyes on her when he was stuck in her head, but there was something different about it – seeing her the way she saw herself, and it just wasn’t quite right. Now, she was full of color. Saw the places on her skin where the colors didn’t match up right, or how her eyes looked through his own. He laughed to himself a little, thinking back on her “date” with River, talking about that pickup line where some guy told her she swallowed beautifully, because now he’s sitting there, watching her eat, mostly because he couldn’t taste the pizza and that seemed weird to him. No longer were they both walking corpses, hanging onto death like it was their only source of joy. They were alive.</p><p>V was alive, and damn. Something about that clicked in his head and made him question a lot of things.</p><p>Noose firmly around his neck, staring at the giant form of his ex output, V across that table from him, and he was so damn certain he was going to die in some way. Go with Alt behind the Blackwall and fade back in the stacks of one and zeroes. Then he heard V was going to die? That there might be nothing they could do to save her? Shit, that might still be the case. Vik never said anything to contradict Alt, but he never listened anyway. And his gonk brain, looking at the distraught face of the woman he fought hard to save – who fought hard to save herself – told her that if they met again, saved each other, that they needed to talk about something important.</p><p>“Awful quiet there, Johnny. Forgettin’ you can’t just transfer thoughts to me?”</p><p>No, see that was the problem. He couldn’t transfer thoughts to her anymore, but he damn knew he did back then. Every waking moment, giving her more and more of himself, unable to stop it. And something about that whole process made him a little sketched out about their promised conversation. One of the things that V made him confront was the fact he manipulated every person he ever spoke to. Every person who let him in was treated like utter shit, used and abused until they threw him out for good. Who better to influence than the person whose thoughts melded with his own in perfect harmony, flowing together like the mouth of a river meeting the ocean. Brackish water of their shared consciousness, nowhere close to understanding where she stopped and he began.</p><p>So when he fell in love with her, wanted so badly to confess, he was starting to think now that maybe it was all him. That when he felt something sharp near her heart it was really his own, aching and yearning for something he couldn’t have. Couldn’t ask her then if what she felt was her own love, knowing he’d be gone in a weeks time. To leave her with a gaping hole in her heart wasn’t fair to her then, and he thought his little promise would be lost to her. Never to see the other again. Forgotten behind the wall.</p><p>But, he wasn’t forgotten.</p><p>“I’m fuckin’ havin’ a meal. What me to talk with my mouth full? I’ll do it.”</p><p>She laughed, and damn it made something stir within him. Told him to just eat and they’ll talk when he’s done. He couldn’t look into her mind and figure out what she wanted to talk about, to know if she even remembered his promise to her in the Net. If she still felt that sharp something near her own heart like he still felt in his, even now as she disgustingly picked off the mushrooms to eat first, wanting nothing more than to toss the plate away and complain about it.</p><p>Shackles off her ankles, nothing keeping her to him – a woman as free as any other in Night City. Who’s to say that she even wanted shit to do with him now? V could be overly nice, keeping those around that she felt pity for. Johnny was the one person she felt the most pity for, and it wasn’t far fetched to think that she was just being nice while he found what he wanted to do in life. With his own freedom now freed from her as well.</p><p>“Alright, can’t fuckin’ tell me that you’re eatin’ when you’re not. Gonna tell me what’s goin’ on inside your head? Wanted to tell ya somethin’, but you seem lost in thought.” She wasn’t annoyed with him, he knew that, but he still had the gut reaction to get defensive and shut down. Avoid and detract, rather than confront.</p><p>“Just thinkin’ – got this new life. Dunno what I’m gonna do with it, but I don’t wanna be somethin’ that’s gonna hold you back. For a while I was all you really had to deal with, now I’m not. Figure you’re gonna pick up where ya left off in your goals.” Long abandoning his food, he just put his foot up on the table, leaning back and waiting for her response.</p><p>“Gotta know you’re not some burden. If you were I really would have left you in the Net. So I don’t exactly mind helpin’ you out. Hell, gives me somethin’ to do since I don’t really wanna pick up where I left off, seein’ as it landed me here. Not to say I’m givin’ up my work, but I’m not aimin’ to make it to some nebulous idea of ‘the big leagues’ or become some ‘Night City Legend’!” Waving the pizza crust in dramatic fashion, it pulled at Johnny’s heartstrings in a way he didn’t like. Rubbed off on her.</p><p>“Don’t bullshit yourself – you still wanna be a legend, just gonna do it in the same way you thought you were. But, that ain’t me. Already became a legend, and can’t be the same guy anymore. Why would you want me skulking around ‘n fuckin’ that up.”</p><p>Her eyebrows pulled together, staying that way while she looked him up and down. “Really think you would? C’mon, can’t be that gonk to think you’d get in my way. Didn’t stop me from doin’ it when you were literally killin’ me. So, what’s this really about?”</p><p>Read him like an open book with large print. He knew, likely, that he really couldn’t stop her from doing anything. Couldn’t before. This really was about him feeling fucked up over the fact he may have accidentally gotten the one person he loves with his whole heart to love him back, if only because he transferred the feelings onto her. She tapped the table now as she waited, beats he recognized. Her foot was beside him on the booth, stretching her leg out while she sat now.</p><p>If he could transfer habits, he could transfer love. And that’s just not right.</p><p>“Thinkin’ of askin’ Rogue to let me stay with her. Feel like --”</p><p>“I’m sorry, what?”</p><p>Now she sounded annoyed. Foot off the table, he leaned forward, forearms resting on the top. “Just said it. Thinkin’ of askin’ Rogue if I can live with her.” Give them some space, see if V could sort herself out without him, and come back and check to see if she still felt the same way. Far removed from his feelings and his thoughts. “Not sayin’ I’m fleein’ the city, I just figure --”</p><p>“Figure what, Johnny?” Arms crossed over her chest, her brows drew even closer together, leg bouncing beside him. “That this was some plan to kick you outta my place now that we’re able to go back? Butter you up with a nice meal only to drop you on the curb?”</p><p>“What fuckin’ give you that idea? Would you let me damn talk?”</p><p>“So you can tell me why you wanna go buddy up with Rogue again. Grand plan to get in her fuckin’ pants now that you don’t gotta worry ‘bout my face gettin’ in the way?”</p><p>“What crawled up your ass? Ain’t about that. Wanna give you some space so that you can --”</p><p>She rolled her eyes, dramatic throw of her arms, and her foot was on the floor, leaning over the table like he was. “Oh, I get it. Give you your fuckin’ life back, and your first act is to slowly distance yourself from me so you can be off the damn leash.”</p><p>Fist slamming the table, the plates and silverware clanked together. “Shut the fuck up for a minute, damn! For the first time in a damn while you got a clear head! What’s my voice in your ear gonna do to help you!? Givin’ you space so you can --”</p><p>“Ditch me!? ‘Cause that’s what I’m hearin’! Feedin’ me bullshit now that I can’t just know you’re lyin’ to me! Classy. Real fuckin’ classy.” Standing up, hands on the table, she towered over him, anger twisting her features, and damn he recognized more of himself in her.</p><p>“Fuck you! I’m not doin’ this! Be a pissbaby all you damn want – you can fuck right off with that shit. I’m callin’ Rogue. Let you know the verdict.” Sliding out of the booth, he threw down a napkin that rested on his thigh, flipping her off as he walked away.</p><p>“No need, asshole! You wanna stroll on outta my life, then go ahead and do it! Not expectin’ you to show back up at my doorstep!” She stormed out after him, walking ahead of him with balled fists and explosive anger. His own hands curling in, he flinched a little, wanting so badly to fall back into old habits and deck the shit out of her.</p><p>Stopping himself, even as she shoved his chest, he just pushed past her, heading out into the street, going god knows where with a borrow holo pressed to his ear. Rogue’s voice on the other line, he got straight to the point, so glad she agreed. Wanted to give V some space, and he got his wish, even if it wasn’t in the way he wanted it to go down.</p><p>And when he woke up in Rogue’s guest room, mildly hung over from raiding her liquor cabinet and having a few drinks too many, he regretted that. Should have let her explode, let her yell, then calmly explain things. Short fuse, only shortened by his time with her, he should have known how to handle it, but he didn’t. Let the anger get the better of him too.</p><p>Opening his holo, he found her contact, name and picture making him sigh in regret. Quick message to her, and he hoped to hell she responded.</p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>|<br/>
Hey. Sorry about yesterday. Wanna talk. Call me?|<br/>
|</p>
</div>Rogue, angel that she was, didn’t even offer him a lick of comfort, even as he explained everything in the vaguest way possible. Only hit him with the typical, “What did you expect? Yelling at her like that when you two are only a few weeks into life. You really think she’s going to take kindly to that? She did all --”<p>And she kept going on and on about how much V did for him, like he didn’t fucking know already. Like he wasn’t there for half of it, and the other half he was wasting away inside another data prison. Guess he couldn’t expect much, leaving a very important detail out, but he wasn’t going to admit to fucking Rogue how much he loved V. No way in hell.</p><p>Checking his holo again, no response. Maybe she missed it. She’s a busy person, after all, and he knew her ass wouldn’t be stationary for very long. Always returned home by midnight, but from 8 AM til then it was a toss up where she was. Johnny hated doing this was he was younger, but fuck it. He’d text her twice.</p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>|<br/>
I’m not fuckin mad. And if you’re mad at me let’s just talk it out. Least let me know you’re alright? |<br/>
|</p>
</div>Day two of waking up at Rogue’s place, more hungover than the day prior, and still nothing from V. Feet hitting the cold floor, he pulled on his pants, threw on a shirt, and walked to Rogue’s garage. Keys hung on rings, and he was damn pissed he couldn’t drive his own Porsche, but her cars would have to do. No one in the city able to drive, he didn’t stick out like a sore thumb when he acted like some teenager in the Student Driver vehicle.<p>A two way conduit, Johnny knew the way to V’s place because she knew the way. And he was damn lucky to have woken up with a working map of the city or else he’d be lost. Elevator button punch, a job up the steps, and he was banging on her door, hoping he didn’t miss her. It was damn 7 AM, and he knew she was home.</p><p>“V! It’s Johnny! Just open up.”</p><p>Another round of knocking, another declaration of his identity, and he decided that fuck it. He knew the code to get in. Punching in the numbers, the door slid open and he was greeted to an empty. No V to be found. An empty room that looked at him a void.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He wanted to give her space? Well, he got his wish, even if it wasn’t at all she wanted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But rarely did she ever get what she fucking wanted, a running theme in the ongoing saga.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>First, she had wanted to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>live</span>
  </em>
  <span>, because that was a feat in and of itself. Then, she wanted to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>rid</span>
  </em>
  <span> of him, get his chip out of her head. After that, she just wanted him around all the time. Wanted to make him bark out a rough laugh, wanted to grip onto him tightly when the malfunctions hit too hard, wanted to curl up against him when her nightmares were too much. Wanted </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, if she was honest with herself for the first time. Hated when he wasn’t around, hating being alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Faced now with the idea that it really was all in her head. He didn’t love her; not like she had thought, not like she had felt when they were connected. Couldn’t read his thoughts anymore, but his actions said it all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But hey, she should have seen it coming. Space? He wanted to give space? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had packed up a duffle bag so quickly when she got back to her apartment, because there was no point for her to stick around. Faster she moved around the apartment, the faster she could get out of there and away from every damn thing that </span>
  <em>
    <span>reminded</span>
  </em>
  <span> her of him. Didn’t matter if he didn’t have anything physical in the apartment, because everywhere she </span>
  <em>
    <span>looked</span>
  </em>
  <span> was a reminder. Memories were too much; whatever she had thought they were moving towards slipped through her fingers like sand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Would it have been too much to ask to get what </span>
  <em>
    <span>she </span>
  </em>
  <span>wanted in life for once? For something in the universe to stop shooting her in the head at every single passing chance. Pathetic to feel so hung up when it had to be inevitable. It had to be, right? If it really was, then she had just been trying to fight against a current that just kept threatening to take her under.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The current had already taken her under. Swallowed her whole, spit her out and left her with the damn broken pieces that she wasn’t even sure she wanted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After everything she had done for him, everything she had </span>
  <em>
    <span>gone through</span>
  </em>
  <span> for him, and that was it. Body back, first thing he does is cut and run. Back to Rogue of all people, but she supposed she couldn’t blame him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wait.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was the thing, wasn’t it? She absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> blame him and </span>
  <em>
    <span>would</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The fact was, she knew who he was. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> the type of person that Johnny was, the same way that he knew exactly the type of person who she was, for better or worse. At one point, she had thought that they had gotten closer to the better parts, and just dealing with the worse when it came in waves. That somewhere, in the series of hypotheticals she ran in her head that she knew he pretended he didn’t see, things would work out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It hadn’t been easy to chip away at their walls, but they had done it, they had gotten under each other’s skin. And in the Net, moments from death, thinking they might never see each other again, she had ached for him. For what she wanted to tell him, but never had the right time. A flaw to the end, queen of bad timing, of poor choices, of mistakes. But he didn’t want the Queen of Death.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wanted the Queen of Afterlife.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because of</span>
  <em>
    <span> course</span>
  </em>
  <span> he fucking did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Didn’t matter that when he had told her when they were in the Net, that if they made it through, they needed to talk about something important. Didn’t matter that she had to force down the surge of hope that had floated up in her when she heard it. Didn’t matter that she was waiting for it when they were at the diner.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It just didn’t matter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bag packed, she walked out the door and didn’t look back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Which led her to not know where she was going, because for so long she was used to just having a passenger always with her. Always poking at the edges of her heart, the sharpness that only seemed to twist deeper every time she laid eyes on him. The same sharpness that had twisted so tight in the diner that she was certain now after the fact that its placement was to only cut out her heart and leave it for him to destroy further.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And mindless driving around didn’t help, made it worse. Couldn’t focus on anything other than what she needed, what she wanted, getting increasingly upset.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It led her to unlocking the door at Judy’s apartment, locking herself inside and immediately raiding the fridge for beer. Which led to getting impossibly drunk. Which led to her looking at her phone and considering calling someone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wanting to call </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, the stupid ache in her chest not getting softer. Opening her holo, she found his contact, name, and picture, making her sigh with resignation. She wasn’t good enough; she was a means to an end.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wasn’t she?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her holo went off before she could put it away, his name popping up with a message. Did she want to talk? Did she want to call him? Did she—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead of replying to him, despite the ache, a more immediate anger came to mind. He would only talk about how he didn’t need her anymore. She wasn’t ready for that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Holo thrown across the room, she buried herself under Judy’s pillows and blankets on the couch before she could make yet another mistake.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Day two of waking up in Judy’s apartment had her not as hungover as she wanted to be. Being sober and hit with the fact that she had stupidly assumed that maybe for once in her gonk life, she had loved someone that might have loved her back. Ill placed desires in the hands of a chaotic being, but he had been </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> chaotic being once upon a time. Or maybe he hadn’t. Maybe it had all just been a fever dream, the relic constantly rewiring her to </span>
  <em>
    <span>think</span>
  </em>
  <span> that--</span>
</p>
<p><em><span>No.</span></em><span> There was one thing she had fought hard to do, and that was to make sure she was still </span><em><span>her</span></em><span>.</span> <span>She knew what she felt, knew what she wanted, knew that she loved him.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Didn’t matter. Didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t matter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Also didn’t help that there was a bad discovery that she had drank all of Judy’s beer, and there was nothing else left in the apartment. Rustling through her duffle bag, changed into better clothing, and found her holo tossed across the room only to find another missed message from Johnny. A few missed messages from Johnny.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The hesitation was there, as she tried to respond. Almost responded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A call from River made the choice for her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The ex-cop wanted to know if he could talk to her, as a friend. Catch up, talk about a case he was working on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Did mercs like her still hang out at Afterlife?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yeah. Mercs like her did still unfortunately have to hang out at Afterlife to get any good jobs that the damn Queen was offering, so she agreed to meet him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And left Johnny on read.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Riding up in Jackie’s Arch, she barely gave Emmerick a nod before he stepped to the side with a roll of his eyes. She’d meet with River. She’d help him out. Then she’d find a way to get out of there before anyone saw her. In, out, done.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She picked a table in the back where she didn’t think anyone would notice her, and moments after she sat down, Claire set a drink in front of her. “Your usual, V,” said with a grin and a wink before disappearing and she couldn’t correct Claire once she was gone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The good ol’ Silverhand Special sitting in front of her, another reminder of just how royally fucked things had gotten. That she really had to stop falling in love with men who fucked her up as badly as he had. She had started to order the drink because he had asked her to, and she had been nice about it. After that, she had gotten a taste for it, like she had gotten a taste for him. It all had just grown on her. It was nice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a brief moment in the diner, she had him in front of her for real. No blue glow around him as he talked, his features more defined than she had seen them in memories or glitched in front of her. His hair actually moved as he made his gestures, eyes brightening at lighter conversation. The way his eyes wrinkled at the corner when he grinned, being able to actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span> him without the interference of the relic or the threat of her mind playing tricks on her. What she saw in front of her wasn’t perfect, but she didn’t want him to be. Didn’t need perfect, didn’t want it, only wanted him for who he was. Moments of realization that he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>here</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and that they might not be through the worst of it, but they had gone in the right direction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That maybe, what he had said to her in the Net, that they’d speak about something important, maybe that important thing had been her. Him. Them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had fallen in love with him, and she was so terrified of it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Apparently, she had every reason to be.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“V?” And she was pulled out of that thought so quickly, her small smile she had faded as her eyes met River’s.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>River was standing in front of her, and had brought a drink for her. When she saw it, she made a face. “Not what you drink?” River asked, looking to it, looking to the one already in front of her, and back to her, “You ordered a tequila old fashioned enough times that—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“—It’s fine, River,” snapping a little too easily at him, expression softening after, “Fuck, I’m sorry, been a long coupla days.” Watching him take a seat across from her, she managed a smile, “What’s the case?” The drink taken from him, set it next to the one Claire had brought.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The case was easy to discuss, easier to give her opinions. He asked the right questions, he said the right things, he took notes in an old-fashioned notebook like a gonk that V almost expected Johnny to pop up with a comment. But he didn’t, of course. Things were different now, they weren’t acting as one person, they were separate and apart from each other now more than ever. And here she was sitting in the lion’s den waiting to be pulled out by the skin of her neck for trespassing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The disappointment in that thought may have played too much on her face, prompting River to change the subject to personal things.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had never been the best at reading the room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He told her about how Randy was doing first. How Joss was, how she asked after V from time to time before he apologized for bringing it up. That he had met someone, was seeing her after he got done here at Afterlife. That it might be something good for him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Asked if she was seeing anyone. Asked if she was doing okay.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loaded questions if she ever heard them, even if the answer to both was just a pathetically resounding </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Knew the look on her face matched </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> realization, and the stupid ache just grew stronger.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She turned the conversation back on him, a gesture River caught immediately, a raised eyebrow from him that she ignored. “Glad you’re gettin’ out there, River, bet things will be just fine,” smiled, went to reach for the drink still sitting in front of her but pulled her hand away. Not to drink it, not to touch it, to not be reminded. “Can I give you a piece of advice?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure, why not?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t make your jambalaya, know it’s not world famous,” grinning like an idiot, as he burst into a sharp laughter that would have drawn attention to them if anyone in the bar actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>cared</span>
  </em>
  <span> that she was there with an ex-cop.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You wound me, V,” reaching over the table and placing his hand over hers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t move her hand right away, only shrugging, “you can handle it.” Laughed. Smiled. Trying to shove everything else down, finally picking up one of the drinks in front of her to numb it all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of silver moving quickly towards their table. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>|<br/>
V? You alright?|<br/>
|<br/>
Read 6:39 PM<br/>
|<br/>
Come on, seriously?|<br/>
|<br/>
Read 7:21 PM</p>
</div>Caged animal pacing the enclosure, same apartment walls that housed him while he was inside V, Johnny gripped his holo with enough force to break it. Metal fingers encased it like a vice, and when the glass began to crack, he realized he passed the threshold. Wall behind him plain enough, nothing of V’s he could damage with the impact, he chucked the holo. Shattered pieces going around the apartment.<p>If she wanted space he’d give her space.</p><p>But fuck, this wasn’t what he meant. Leaving him on ‘read’ shouldn’t have hurt as badly as it did, but his initial fear of her being hurt and gone somewhere left him all but immediately, as she was checking her holo and choosing to ignore him. Space didn’t mean no contact – space meant that she could finally have some time to herself, make sure that she wasn’t out there still thinking the way he did. Imprinting his own world view on her. Because yeah, he wanted her so badly to love him back, but if that meant falling into old habits then he didn’t want it.</p><p>Damn, if she really wanted him gone, thought so little of him after all this time, then what was it all for? What was all the damn change for? To go on about how badly she wanted him back, to have him doubt it all and fall back into old ways, and to try and apologize for his shit behavior for her to ignore him.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>That.</p><p>First manner of business, getting a cab. Shitty cab hailed, he sat inside, bouncing his leg in nervous energy to try and relieve some of the tension. Wound tighter than braided rope, something must have frayed the ends, because damn, he felt like the old Silverhand again. Punching the back of the seat, the driver started a fight with him. Perfect excuse. Dragged out onto the street, he found the driver, fight over a matter of minutes because the guy wasn’t all that strong. Still itching for something more, Johnny ran to the nearest bar, downed as many shots as he could, and this time he got into a real fight.</p><p>Won again, but he had a few bruised ribs to show. Still wasn’t enough. Trail blazed through town, he ran into as much trouble as he could, always coming out on top. And when he wasn’t fighting he was downing shots. Having had enough of the darker side of Night City, he made his way to the Afterlife, likely running into some real shady shit there. Petty merc thieves who think they’re hot shit ready to take him on. And he’d welcome every second of it. This was Rogue’s place and he had enough sense not to fight someone within its walls, but damn if he didn’t feel that itch, and he was just hoping, waiting, for some hot shot to start shit so he could drag it outside. </p><p>Drunk off his ass, he pushed past Emmerick, not paying him any mind as he strolled up to the bar, fist slammed on the counter, a wicked smirk flashed to poor Claire who looked like she had seen a ghost. “Whoa! Johnny! Somethin’ looks off with ya. You alright?”</p><p>“Never better Claire! Just give me the damn bottle of the strongest tequila you got, and just stay outta my way.” Not one to fight him, she handed over the bottle, slamming it on the counter before he knocked back some. Liver still in shit shape after all these years, he was glad he could still knock it back with the best of them. </p><p>Couple swigs of the bottle down, head so hazy he couldn’t think straight, he swore he could have seen V walk in. Could have sworn it. But damn he was probably seeing shit. Another swig. Mind racing, he was just thinking of her. Maybe that was normal given everything they went through, but damn if he didn’t hate this. Shitty idea, but he always figured that things would be easier once they were no longer one being. Can’t fall in love with the thing killing you. Shouldn’t fall in love with the thing you’re killing. But there he was.</p><p>He’d been so afraid to love her, and maybe he was right to.</p><p>Given the opportunity to take it, and he ran like he always did. Pathetic little dance to see where she was and if she wanted him back. Begging, whiny little texts about where she was and that they need to talk. Who had he turned into, some domesticated dog? Had she done that to him? Another swig.</p><p>No, she didn’t do that. She changed him, sure, but he was still just as much of the same wild and crazy asshole as he was, apparent now. What changed was that he didn’t feel the need to be that 24/7, before this moment anyway. The anger he felt inside him was a cover for so many things that lay buried under the surface, and she helped him see that. That he had someone who listened to him, cared for him – enough so that when things came down to it she wanted to sacrifice everything for him. Went out of her way to go and find him a way to live with her.</p><p>Fuck, now he was pissed and depressed.</p><p>Another swig, and he pulled his hair back into a small bun on his head, getting sick of it flopping into his face when he felt this fucking miserable. If he had asked her to build something with him, try to form a romantic connection between the two, let him love her and be loved in return, what would she have said? Would he ever know? Fuck, he was so convinced that it was his own mind bleeding into hers, but now his drunk brain is making him doubt that. Slamming his head on the bar, he kept it there, trying hard to form anything that resembled a coherent thought that wasn’t about V. Wasn’t about how fucking pissed he was. How stupid and sad he felt drunk as hell, having gotten into so many bar fight for what? To end up at the Afterlife, looking for more trouble, scaring the shit out of Claire, looking like a reflection of his old self.</p><p>And if he felt like his old self pressed against a bar, he really felt it when his anger spiked, hearing a sweet laugh, one he loved so damn much followed by the words, “Don’t make your jambalaya, know it’s not world famous.”</p><p>Instinct, the alcohol only heightened the way in which he felt the urge, he got up so fast that stool shook, facing the direction of the laughter. There, her face came into focus as best it could through that haze, and while he couldn’t see the person with her from the front, he knew. Only one motherfucker in all of Night City she’d be joking about jambalaya with. Only one. And he thinks he found his next damn target.</p><p>Fast feet and long legs carried him there, knocking people out of the way, no words exchanged as he grabbed River from the booth by the collar of that shitty little coat, hoisting him into the air as much as he could. Had a good few inches on him, but Johnny was strong. Muscles had deteriorated that much, and he’s certain River only looked at buff as he did because of the coat. Bringing him down in a headbutt, River staggered back against the table, and V jumped out to try and separate them.</p><p>“Johnny!? What the fuck is wrong with you!?”</p><p>He ignored her, River coming up, and Johnny stepping back, beckoning him forth to fight in the middle of the bar. What River said was lost in the crowd, but he stepped to the challenge, one punch to Johnny’s face, but it left him wide open, a fist landing in River’s ribs. Buckled over, Johnny pulled him up again, winding back to punch him in the face. Hit landed, but it left him open, River’s leg kneeing between his own, thankful the alcohol dulled the pain enough not to puke. Still, he was doubled over, holding his stomach.</p><p>And there V was, tending to River, and fuck Johnny should have known she’d run back to that fucking pig. Punching the ground, it cleared his head enough for him to stand up once more, grabbing River weakly, winding his fist back up once more.</p><p>The movements must have been too slow, River ducking out of the way quickly, but Johnny’s fist was already extended, metal hand connecting with the flesh of the person behind River. Horror raced through his veins, seeing V fall back from the force of the punch, watching as the blood poured from her nose. “Fuck! V!” Another instinct took over, one to reach out and help her, but a large body grabbed her, and a smaller one grabbed him.</p><p>“Get out of my bar, and get your shit from my place! It’s one thing to babysit you while you’re at home, but you’re not taking your problems to my place of business!” Rogue’s tone was cold enough to freeze the panic coursing through him, and Emmerick was gentle enough with V not to hurt her. So Johnny let himself be carried from the Afterlife, thrown out onto the street, landing right on his ass, too drunk and still feeling the effect of his balls being smashed into his torso. Rolling over, he wanted to get up, try and stand to find V. Tell her sorry.</p><p>But he didn’t have to look far, looming over him with all the rage she had the moment she took down Smasher. Swift kick to the ribs, pain shooting through him, he grabbed her leg, tossing her to the ground with him, both throwing punches in desperate strife. It must have caused enough of a commotion inside, the two of them fighting like children, pulling hair and throwing half hearted punches, that Emmerick was back from his post, strolling up the stairs to call them a cab, throwing them inside when it arrived, no words said as he did so.</p><p>V landed on top of him, and their fight continued for a moment before the door closed. “What the absolute fuck, you asshole!? You can roll up and punch River like that!”</p><p>“What’s it matter to you!? Do whatever I want! You dumped my ass in Night City with nothin’ else to do. Figure beatin’ up NC’s biggest douchebag who can’t give a woman an orgasm to save his life is worth doin’!”</p><p>Cab door slammed, Delamain’s AI appeared on the screen, and he cleared his throat, making V turn to him. “Where shall I take you, V?”</p><p>“To the fuckin’ landfill so I can dump him!” Pushing off him, she sat in the seat, Johnny trying hard to move lead heavy legs to sit in a normal position.</p><p>“Oh! As if you fuckin’ cunt! Couldn’t kill me if you tried. Actually, you did try, and here I am in the flesh!”</p><p>And like the cycle of life, they were still fighting in that cab, parked outside of the Afterlife, punches thrown, always missing their target, no real bruises to be seen. It wasn’t until Emmerick came up for the final time, telling Delamain he needed to drive, anywhere that wasn’t the Afterlife, that the car finally moved, movement jerking Johnny back. Unable to fight, trying not to get carsick, he prepped himself for an earful from V, knowing well now that she was stuck with him once again, she’d be giving him hell.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Her nose fucking hurts, she felt like shit, Johnny </span>
  <em>
    <span>looked</span>
  </em>
  <span> like shit. Everything was par for the course, reactionary as it always was with them, and it felt like they were back at square fucking one.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shouldn’t fall in love with the thing killing you. Shouldn’t fall in love with the thing you’re killing. Shouldn’t be punching and screaming the thing that is too much a part of you to find where you end and the other begins, but here they fucking were.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When all she wanted to was just </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> him, shake him until he saw what she saw in him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If the anger had simmered when the cab started to drive them, it was only a short-lived moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes artfully dodged hers, avoiding her like a child knowing they did something </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span> and not wanting to own up to it. But the realization hit that she somehow felt the same way – seeing Johnny run over and punch River like that made her feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>guilty</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Like she had given Johnny the wrong idea. Like he might have been jealous of her hanging out with one of the most boring men in all of Night City, who she was absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> interested in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then she remembered that he wanted to be with Rogue, and any simmering anger very quickly bubbled up and over as she glared at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The fuck is </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span> with you?!” V ended up screaming, as she slapped him upside the back of the head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The fuck is wrong with me? What about you!?” He shouted back, as his hand pushed her hand away from his head, but she only came back to slap him again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This time he slaps her hand back; it starts yet another physical altercation between them, because who the fuck uses words? She certainly wasn’t going to if he wasn’t going to. Childish and foolish, but she was past the point of being mature.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t have the full energy to fight but she just keeps flailing her hands at him, a stupid slap fight evolving between them as if they were two kids trying to fight behind an adult’s back. She keeps trying to get a slap to his face, he keeps trying to dodge it. The effort isn’t fully there, neither of them actually hitting to hurt, only to sting, frustration building as screaming continues.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuckin’ cunt, stop slapping me!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You fuckin’ stop first, dick!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She goes to slap him again; he grabs both her wrists and holds her hands up and away from him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The Delamain car slams on the breaks, and V feels her entire body lunge forward and slam into the seat in front of her. Face planted firmly into the leather seat, hitting her already sore parts. Next to her, she hears Johnny make a sound as if he’s going to vomit. “Don’t you fuckin’ dare, Johnny.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He flips her off but keeps to himself. More specifically, keeps himself from throwing up all over the cab, though it looks like that is taking some serious effort on his part.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Delamain’s AI face appears, and V fights the urge to punch </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> as well.  “Sometimes I wonder if it is worth upgrading my software to appear more human.” There is a pause before, “I see that would have been a mistake.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck. Now she feels like shit for pissing off an AI she had the audacity to make friends with. Somehow, Delamain is showing a level of disappointment that she had only experienced from Vik before. It apparently fucked with Johnny too, as he straightened up and leaned back against the seat, effectively shutting him up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have decided on the best destination. We will arrive soon.” Delamain’s AI disappears then, and silence fills the cab. Johnny huffs out and turns away from her. She does the same.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She rolls her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest as she looks out the window. From the reflection, she can see Johnny’s positioning mirroring her own. Always the damn mirror image of each other, even when they shouldn’t be. And if they’re mirror images of each other now, when they’re not even connected, what does that mean for her? Is she always going to be stuck to someone who doesn’t love her back? Is she always going to be fighting him every time they’re in the same room together?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Is she just always doomed to be longing for what she thought they meant to each other? Because if that was the case, she’d rather another bullet to the head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The cab stops in front of V’s megabuilding, as Delamain cheerfully and somehow menacingly tells them to get out. Moment the doors are shut, the cab speeds off, V is just left looking at Johnny.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Gonna go figure out where to sleep this off,” he starts but she grabs his arm. Turns him around, eyes softening as he looked at her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Stupid move on her part, because she’s still so damn mad at him. So damn miserable right now, but really it’d be more miserable</span>
  <em>
    <span> without </span>
  </em>
  <span>him and she doesn’t even have the alcohol to blame for that poor decision making skill. He at least smells and looks like he could make all the poor decisions for them. He already had.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just come up. Get cleaned up, sleep it off. Might be fuckin’ pissed at you, but it’s clear Rogue isn’t gonna welcome your gonk ass back tonight.” Because she still assumes that’s where he wants to be, even if Rogue seemed to be sick of his shit. Why wouldn’t he still want her? “Can go grovel back to her tomorrow.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Makes you think I’m gonna do that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She removes her hand from his arm and starts towards the building steps, he follows next to her. Enough people have seen her walking up the stairs in far worse condition that no one takes a second glance at them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A lucky guess,” she mutters back, but she doesn’t have the energy to add annoyance to her tone. He doesn’t reply, maybe didn’t even hear her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The problem is, she’s not annoyed at him about it. She should be. She’s just annoyed at herself for letting her damn feelings get in the way. If she had just told him to give her a chance, to consider what that might be together, would he have listened to her? Would things have gone differently?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Would he have let her love him and be loved in return? It’s miserable to realize her immediate guess is</span>
  <em>
    <span> no</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s leaning against the elevator wall, with his arms crossed over his chest, staring at one of the ads. For once, not saying a damn word, and she’s not sure if it’s because he feels guilty, or if there’s something going on in his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a sharpness she feels when she realizes she misses not hearing his constant buzzing in her mind. Always knowing what he was thinking, what he was feeling, even if it clashed with her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The walk to her apartment is short, and once the door slides open she walks in first. She hears him shut the door behind them, and her eyes land on broken pieces of glass and electronics on the floor. Not </span>
  <em>
    <span>hers</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she thinks, and when she looks to him to question it, he looks away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A heavy sigh escapes, “Couch. Sit,” pointing in the direction as if he has no idea where it is, and Johnny actually listens to her – if she still wasn’t so damn angry, she would have commented on it. Instead, she goes to the bathroom, gets what they might need, and joins him. Sets the first aid kit on the couch between them, keeping the space he had so clearly wanted before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She hands him a bottle of Real Water and pills for the hangover he’s going to have in the morning. He takes out the gauze and alcohol wipes, passing them to her. She uses the wipes to run under her nose, getting the blood that she knows is dried there from when he punched her in the face. It stings, it’s going to swell, and she sighs at that realization.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Didn’t mean to hit ya, V,” he says, his voice doing the work of a knife, cutting quick under her skin, “Thought—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop your train of thought, Johnny. Just </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” V holds her hand up to stop him, and finishes wiping the blood off her face before she reaches back to the first aid. Grabbing the only disposable instant ice pack, she shakes it and activates it before handing it to him first. Because he looks like he’s just been fighting all damn night, and she’s not surprised.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It seems like he’s just slipping back into who he used to be, and while she wants to tell him to stop, she doesn’t think he’d even bother listening to her now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead, she just uses the first aid kit to help clean him up. She breaks the distance between them, a peace offering in medical supplies, and he just nods as he lets her clean up the blood and cuts from his cheek and forehead. Focuses on cleaning him up, not focusing on how close her face is to his, not focusing on just how near him she is. She leaves the cuts on his hands for him to clean up, not wanting her to fall for accidental lingering touches that would do nothing but serve her false hope.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he seems fine enough, when she feels like she’s fixed enough of herself, V moves towards the window. Pulls out a cigarette from the case sitting next to the window, and lights it.  She half expects him to follow, and she’s damn glad that he doesn’t. And also, sad he doesn’t. Contradictions she needs to learn to cut out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Johnny is sitting on the couch, not saying anything as he finishes cleaning his hands and arm. She’s smoking the cigarette like her life depends on it, not even really enjoying it. And despite knowing her wounds need time to heal, she picks at them anyway. “Things with Rogue not going how you wanted them to?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Didn’t want anythin’, wanted to fuckin’ talk and you ghosted me so you could go back to that fuckin’ pig like—” His reply had started out so calm, until it quickly dissolved into pot shots, and once more she felt her anger rise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?! I didn’t fuckin’ ghost you! River called </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stood and stormed over to her, in front of her, finger pointing at her. Close and not close enough. “—to get another try with ya, no doubt. Fine, if you fuckin’ want a—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“—Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me right now Johnny? He asked for my professional opinion on a fuckin’ case he’s workin’--” said by her at the same time of his own rambling of “—Givin’ him fuckin’ bedroom eyes, and laughin’ and jokin’ about his shitty ass jambalaya like when he—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop! River has a new input; he was asking me for relationship </span>
  <em>
    <span>advice</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Not that I have any experience in the damn fuckin’ subject.” Her anger has snapped, throwing her hands up in frustration, “Johnny, what the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck </span>
  </em>
  <span>are you so damn pissed about?” Placing the cigarette back between her lips, she pulled her hair back into a small bun on her head, not wanting to deal with it falling all over her face when she was feeling so fucking miserable. Hair secured, another drag of the cigarette before she rested it in the ashtray, she figured this was it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cut the ties that bind them, let him just be free of her, and give him the space that he wanted. Let him be fully back into the life he had before he showed up in her head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had been so damn sure before that they had been on the same page. Now she felt so miserable, she just wanted to pretend she never fell in love with him. Somehow, that thought made her feel even worse.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he didn’t snap back at her, he didn’t respond immediately, so she was left to fill the silence. “It’s not like you want anythin’ to fuckin’ do with me anymore. Got your body back, got your life back. You have Rogue now. I’m just gettin’ in the way. Made that perfectly clear at the diner.” She wanted to go with anger in her words, but it just comes out sounding so sad and pathetic that she hates herself a little more for it.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her eyes cast away from him and to the wall as she leaned against the window, cigarette to her lips. Waiting for his inevitable rant and storming out of the apartment, and she was just bracing for impact.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is the hate fuck chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That was always the fucking thing with her, wasn’t it? Misunderstanding everything he ever did. Granted, it’s not like he could validate everything she was saying now, insisting that she wasn’t trying to flirt with River, but he knew that laugh. Always let it out when she was flirting with him. With anyone. He saw it time and time again, and fuck he hated it. And she touched his damn arm. She doesn’t touch people, let them get close. Said all that shit about being close, but she was the same. Mirror image of himself in that moment. So to spew that shit to his face? Lie, straight to him?</p><p>“It’s not like you want anythin’ to fuckin’ do with me anymore. Got your body back, got your life back. You have Rogue now. I’m just gettin’ in the way. Made that perfectly clear at the diner.”</p><p>That did it. Powder keg ignited, still drunk, still pissed off as hell, and he was off. “Oh, so you wanna act like you know all about my fuckin’ intentions! Maybe you fuckin’ would if you ever let me finish a damn sentence! You never let me just be, V! Whoever said I wanted nothin’ to do with you!? What I said at the diner was --”</p><p>“Was that you wanted to give me space! Cut me off, Johnny! Want nothin’ to do with me! I heard you loud and clear!”</p><p>Stomping his foot, hands slapping his knees to stand from the couch, he stuck his finger in her face, lips curling into a painful snarl, agitating the torn skin of his lip. “Fuck you! That’s not what I damn said! Space doesn’t mean I’m cuttin’ you off! Kept tellin’ me I wasn’t a burden, but --”</p><p>“You’re not! In what fuckin’ universe are you a burden to me!?” Angry drag of the cigarette rested in the ashtray, and he figured this was it. Wanting to get another word in, he didn’t have time before that cigarette was pulled to the butt, thrown in his face before she started yelling. “You always assume that I’m gonna treat you like Kerry did! Like Rogue did! Like everyone who dropped your ass when shit got tough! You’re the worst fuckin’ asshole I’ve ever met and I hate you so much! B --”</p><p>“There it is, V! Out in the open, confirmin’ what I know!” And damn was it a confirmation. He knew now that if he could transfer habits, cigarette smoke in the room, the smell of his brand hanging in the air, he could transfer love. The love he felt from her was fabricated inside his mind, and now that they were yelling at the other, putting it out into the open, he’d get the truth. “Hate my fuckin’ guts! Lied to me, V! Tellin’ me you didn’t hate ‘em! I knew you fuckin’ did, and the only reason we’re here now is ‘cause some asshole AI Cab driver has a cruelty streak! And you keep cuttin’ me off, but fuck maybe I’m glad you did. Don’t get to hear how I feel ‘bout you!”</p><p>V rubbed her jaw, open mouthed smile, harsh laugh biting and loud in his ears. “Oh, that’s fuckin’ rich, Johnny! Comin’ from the guy who never lets people get the last word in! Told Saburo Arasaka to suck your dick ‘fore you bit the dust, never letting shit go! But, ya know, I’ll let you think I hate you! Wasn’t done talkin’, but I can see we’re not gonna get shit done here! Fuck off!”</p><p>“Oh no, princess, you finish what you were gonna say! All ears!” Eyebrows raised, hand cupped behind one ear, all dramatics, he waited for her. When she just stood there fuming, he figured he would go first then. “Fine, wanna be a fuckin’ pussy, here’s what I was gonna say! Figured you needed space ‘cause you kept tellin’ me how confused you were with your own thoughts. Didn’t know where I stopped and you began! Wanted you to figure your shit out, then we talk again. But nah, you wanted to be a bitch and pick a fight!”</p><p>Frustrated yell from her, she threw her hands down before raising them up to grip his face. “I fuckin’ hate you, Johnny! Hate you so fuckin’ much ‘cause you’re so fuckin’ whacked all the fuckin’ time! I fuckin’ hate that you never, ever give me the fuckin’ time to say what I need to say! Aargh! And I hate this! I hate this! I hate it! And I hate what I wanna do!”</p><p>“Then let me leave! Grippin’ my face! Can’t walk away without takin’ your arms off! Give you the space you need, ‘cause damn you’re the biggest cunt I’ve ever met!” Hands gripping her wrists, he felt her hands shake, her face morphing into so many emotions at once he couldn’t make heads or tails of them. “Let me go, V. No point in doin’ this anymore. Do what you wanna do, even if you hate it. ‘Cause all you want is --”</p><p>“Fuckin’ shut up,” fingers curling into the skin of his face, Johnny was pulled into her so fast that he didn’t have time to register what was happening. Bracing himself, lips drawn into a straight line, prepared for a headbutt, he was shocked when lips met his in an awkward kiss. And he was shocked when his own came to meet those soft lips on his, tasting the smoke and nicotine still on her tongue. Fire and fury, burning bright and cold at the same time, rum on fire in front of his face, and he wrapped his arms around her, allowing her legs to do the same around him. Lifted to the wall, her head hit the glass, but it didn’t stop her. Didn’t break some spell – kissing him even more intensely now, open mouthed, wet, sloppy. Same wet kisses pressed down her jaw, and Johnny felt wrong doing this, but fuck he wasn’t stopping. Tugging at his hair now that her hands were free of his face, biting and sucking on the sensitive skin there on display for him, he groaned, she moaned, and fuck it was more intoxicating than the alcohol he drank.</p><p>“Hate you so much. Hate what you do to me. Hate that I want this so bad,” spilled from V’s lips, and equal parts pain and desire swelled up inside him. Grinding against her as she tore off his shirt, him sliding his hands up her own, bare chested both of them once the fabric was discarded. Thumbs rubbing over each nipple before pinching down, her vulgar noises replacing their arguing and her mindlessly spoken words. Legs on the ground only briefly to strip in such frantic passion that there was no way he had ever gotten naked so fast in his life. Him hard, her flushed, both panting, and they were back against that wall, bodies slammed into the other, V’s legs hugging him like that’s where they belonged.</p><p>Length rubbed against her, slick folds greeting him, fingers coming between them to play with her first, still wanting nothing more than for her to moan out his name. Middle and ring finger between her lips, his name gasped out from hers, he dipped one in quickly followed by the other. “Johnny, fuck...More...” and he silenced her this time, another open mouthed kiss, desperate and wanting. Pace slow, her body held tight around him, he stretched her, lewd sounds from her below.</p><p>“Take me so well, V. Sure you hate me, darlin’?” One of her hands gripped his jaw, grimace evident on her face, but she let him go for a moment, that same hand dipping between them to remove the one housed inside her. Bringing it to her mouth, she placed those fingers in between her lips, closing around them to clean them, eyes locked on him the entire time. It was distracting enough that when her hand left his, still keeping his fingers in her mouth, she had enough time to grip his length sliding it into her.</p><p>Switch turned, Johnny threw one hand against the window behind her, her head following him, making her do the work of keeping herself stable while they stood, only his metal limb holding her by the small of her back. Enough power still left in his muscles, if she wanted more he’d give it. Bruising, rough, each thrust throwing her into the wall behind them, and she was melting under him. V pulled him into yet another kiss, far too many for someone who claimed to hate him, but fuck if he didn’t love it. Loved her. And hated that this was where they ended up.</p><p>Quick hatefuck against the wall of her apartment, V still pulling his hair, him still toying with her. Not satisfied with the position, he picked her up from the wall, sliding out of her on the quick walk to the bed, throwing her down roughly. “Hands and knees, princess.” And she obeyed, his little merc so quick on her feet. As soon as she was in position, he got behind her, slamming into her without warning, strangled groan from her, his hand on the back of her head, pushing her into the mattress. “Fuck, darlin’. I hate what you do to me. Fuck...” He must stop falling in love with the women who never love him back, because one day it will be the death of him.</p><p>She began playing with herself, picking up his slack, and it allowed him to chase his own fast approaching release, catching her hair in the hand on her head, pulling it back as she screamed those lovely noises, moaning out his name each time she could. Prayer on her sweet lips, and he was merciless, continuing his brutal speed, skin on skin almost deafening. And all he heard was “I hate you so much – fuck! Hate you – I love this – fuck!”</p><p>Words he waited to hear, and here he was, unable to even look her in the face as he fucked her. Mind only focusing on the three simple words, he kept going, everything coming in so fast and so quick, stuttering breaths, shaking hips, feeling her clench around him. “I’m so fuckin’ close, Johnny,” and she kept saying his name, and he kept whispering hers back, “come for me, V. Come for me, darlin’.”<br/>Her orgasm came with another scream, his came with an embarrassingly loud moan, everything pulsing inside her, falling on her body as he came, rolling so that he pulled out, holding her back to his chest. So afraid of looking at her face, not wanting to see the hate in her eyes. The hate for him, when he loved her so much, falling in love with every girl he fucks. Every girl he fucks over. Just wanting to give her space to breathe, and now he’s made things so horrible, beyond repair.</p><p>“Know you hate me, V. I’ll be leavin’ in a minute...Jus’...gimme a minute...” Holding her body to his own just felt right. It felt like it was what he was made to do. And he’d be ripped from her soon. “Go be with River – I’ll go beg Kerry for a couch to sleep on. Jus’...a minute.” She tensed in his arms, and he let go of her, rolling onto his back, eyes closed, mattress helping his sore muscles, one last moment before he rose.</p><p>“Wait, no...Can’t...Don’t go. We need to talk ‘bout what that was.” V rolled over, hand on his chest, keeping him there. Opening his eyes, he looked down at her, and the face he saw wasn’t one of hatred. It wasn’t.</p><p>Reaching behind her, she lit a cigarette, placing it between her lips, and he took it from her, placing it between his, passing it back when he had a drag. He needed it. And it felt nice to share that with her. “It was...” He wanted to say “nothin’” but it wasn’t. It meant so much to him. “What would ya say to me, V?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Wait, no...can’t...don’t go. We need to talk ‘bout what that was.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck.</span>
  </em>
  <span> She didn’t want him to go.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After that? No, there was no way she was going to let him walk out of the door and potentially out of her life, there was no way. Anything to keep him there, to keep him in her bed like she had wanted for so long. She had let so much slip out earlier, lost in the passion and desire and fulfillment of finally getting what she wanted and hating that this was what it took to get it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Watching him take the cigarette from her, fingers bringing it to his lips, she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>mesmerized</span>
  </em>
  <span> by the action. Taking it back from him, the intimate act of sharing a cigarette like this, something they hadn’t done before. It tasted like a mix of the two of them, and the sense almost knocked her out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t hate him. She loved him. And she wished he understood that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was…” he had started as she took the cigarette back from him, speaking as she took a long drag, “What would ya say to me, V?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Solid between her fingertips, heart beating against her palm, eyes looking at her like he didn’t hate her. Like there was something else there. So much more there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Smoke moved slowly out between her lips, out and away from him as she passed the cigarette back to him. Somehow it felt far more intimate than what they had just done. Like it was tethering her to him, like she had been tethered before, and this time of her choice. Wanting nothing more to just stay here, have him here. Would he want that?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She really wanted him to want that, to want her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was…” She started, waiting until he had brought the cigarette to his lips, mouth occupied before she spoke. Part of her wanted to lie, but she couldn’t. “Everythin’.” She sighed out, closing her eyes, because she was scared to look at him. “I hate that you think I hate you. I don’t, I..</span>
  <em>
    <span>.</span>
  </em>
  <span>you’re so fuckin’ stubborn to love, you know that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her eyes still closed, hand moved to cover her face, because she hated how terrified she was to look at him. Beneath her other hand, she felt him inhale sharply, and shift. Then, she felt metal fingers gently around her wrist, moving her hand from her face. Biting her lip, she slowly opened her eyes to look at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What she saw wasn’t a face of hatred or disgust. It wasn’t. “V,” Johnny looked up at her with a mix of surprise and disbelief, his adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed hard. “Repeat that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re fuckin’ stubborn,” she softly repeated, but knew that wasn’t what he was asking for. His heart was beating too hard against her hand, matching the exact pace of her own, for her to fool herself into thinking he was asking for anything else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Agree. But not what I was askin’ for.” His hand moved, to slowly touch her lower back, to bring her closer to him. Metal fingers cool on her warm skin, goosebumps raising from the soft contact. Tender, </span>
  <em>
    <span>loving</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She shifted, allowing herself to lay against him now, bare chest to bare chest, her hair over her shoulder. “I know what you were asking for,” and her voice is so soft it almost confuses her, it doesn’t sound like her own. Everything is at the tip of her tongue, and she’s afraid to say it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s moved the cigarette away from them, resting in the ashtray behind her, and how he is looking at her – she doesn’t ever want to move from this spot. But she will have to if she can’t get out the words. Johnny’s waiting for her to say it, and there is just this undying look of hope in his eyes that she recognizes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She moves her hand, caressing his cheek, so different from only moments before. He was so much a part of her, that she didn’t want to be without him. She’s tender in her movements, and watches as his eyes scan hers. Trying to pull the answer from her before she says it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As her thumb runs over his cheek, fingers brushing against his hair spread out under him, she smiles. “Love, Johnny. Love you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He swallows hard, “V—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She moves her fingers over his lips to quiet him, “Just let me…say this. ‘Cause you never let me finish what I gotta say, and you need to this time.”  Beneath her, he doesn’t move. Only his hand moves up her back, fingers spraying out against her skin in an attempt to keep her from running away. To keep him still under her. Beneath her fingers, his lips part slightly, but he doesn’t speak. Waiting for her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Heart feeling like it was going to finally just jump out of her chest, if she didn’t finally say it. “Lovin’ you isn’t easy, and I know that, but I do. Love you. Have since the Pistis Sophia. Maybe before that if I’m honest. Don’t want River, don’t want any other gonk that comes around, want </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Know that you…” She trailed off, as she moved her fingers from his lips, let her fingers move down his face, “Guess I actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> know if you hate me, do I. When you said you were gonna stay with Rogue I—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t want Rogue,” he quickly interrupted, no longer wanting to stay silent, her eyebrow raising as he spoke, but he wasn’t going to stop from breaking this rule. “Don’t hate you, V.” His hand moved up to return the light touches, the caress of her cheek, the fingers to her lips. His turn to speak. “Wanted to give you space to figure things out. ‘Cause I thought I was transferrin’ things to ya. Smoke my damn brand, V.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Only ’cause it reminds me of you. And they’re cheap--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Listen to my music,”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Which I liked </span>
  <em>
    <span>before</span>
  </em>
  <span> knowin’ you--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Didn’t want to know I pushed you into lovin’ me too.” When he said that, he pulled her closer to him, and she welcomed it. She wanted to ignore that something sharp against her heart, like she had done so many times before. But then he moved a piece of her hair tenderly away behind her ear, and she didn’t want to ignore it anymore.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Was this really happening?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Johnny, what you promised in the Net. If we saw each other again, that we needed to talk about somethin’ important…” She bit her lip, trying to control the damn smile that was threatening to just display on her face, but his lips were quirking up, almost beating her to it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Talkin’ about it now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then he grinned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then that was it, the tension broke as she grabbed for him the same time that he grabbed for her, his lips hot on hers. Feeling like a damn dream that she didn’t think was real, but how he kissed her, how he held onto her so tightly; different from the quick fuck from before, dragging out the sensation now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Holding his body to her own just felt right. It felt like it was what she was made to do. It meant so much to her, it meant more than she was capable of saying. Lungs burning, but not wanting to move from each other, but only parting when they needed to, foreheads resting against each other.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His voice was rough, his lips were kiss-swollen, and she was captivated. “Love you, V.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shoulda just said that at the diner then,” she grinned, “Woulda saved a lot of dumb shit.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That earned her a poke into her side and a flip of their positions, her laughter ringing out against his gruff chuckle, her now on her back. The easy grin on her lips matching what he wore. “Take it back. Hate you. Hate you a lot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her laughter ran out loud until he kissed her neck and it changed quickly to a moan, the quick shift back into wanting to just be with him desperately. Taking everything at a much slower pace, time to explore and linger on everything they wanted to. A slower build up until the pace was too agonizing to keep. Arching up against him, his hand holding her down, his name a mantra on her lips she just kept repeating over and over. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Love</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Coming down from the high again, repeating love over and over like they had never been too fucking terrified to say it before. Like they hadn’t both spent days running circles around each other like two damn children too dumb to admit a crush. Or, like they weren’t two of the more fucked up people that Night City had ever seen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His arms were heavy around her, holding her close, buried in each other, bodies entwined. His beard rough against the softer and raw spots where he had marked her earlier. Feeling exactly like this was where she belonged. Where she should have just been all along.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You left me on read,” he muttered against her neck. When she let a burst of a laugh out, she felt his lips grin against her skin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, is that your broken holo on my floor?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” He groaned against her neck, and she just laughed again. At her laugh, he just gripped her a little harder, bit at her neck until she stopped laughing, and ended up letting out a moan. Until she was more relaxed against him, melting into and with him like she was always meant to.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading our little collab :) We hope you enjoyed it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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